"And so it begins"

One day left. I haven't been able to sleep and have been exhausted and cranky all day. I also found out today that one of the people I was planning to meet in New York is not available.... I was kind of sorry about that. He was my first drum teacher, the guy who got me started on Brazilian stuff, and was a huge musical inspiration for me; and someday I would like to tell him about all the stuff I've learned and seen and done here in the past two years. We've been out of touch for all that time; he is not a friend and is probably not in the least interested in what I've been doing, but even so, I would like to just knock on his door and say, See what I did! Look what I did! Isn't it cool! Tell him about Mocidade and Monobloco. Sing the Banga jongo to him, and the Monobloco congo and maculele... he would LOVE those.

Well, it'll have to wait for another year.

It was kind of a stressful day in many ways today. I tried to do too much today .... took some friends up to Santa Teresa, which took longer than I thought, and then in some kind of fit of stupidity I had scheduled two lessons today, on my very last day, both of which started late and went over two hours long. Really cool lessons, both of them, and plus both teachers were extraordinarily generous with their time & I had excellent lesson buddies with me (Vincent and Jason, both leaving me in the dust). But I was getting intensely stressed through all of it about how late the evening was going. By the end I'd gotten SIX hours later than my very tight schedule for my very last day, and horrifically far behind on my writing job - which I SHOULD BE WORKING ON RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE DEADLINE IS TOMORROW. And how much packing I still have to do! oh my god! By the end I tottered home exhausted and worn out... and still really, really wanted to go out and see some music and say goodbye to all my friends, but really, really needed to work instead.

When I got home I was feeling especially low about pandeiro, because I played like total crap during my lesson today. Not surprising, since I haven't been practicing at all for months... I'm on such a downward spiral with pandeiro this year. It has gotten so that playing it almost always makes me feel bad, because I get so discouraged at how shitty it sounds, and how I still can't seem to clean up the most elementary mistakes and bad habits. I had really wanted to improve on pandeiro this year, but instead I'm getting worse. Today I was badly rushing things that I didn't used to rush. Me, little miss perfect primeiro-surdo, the one who always bitches at other people when they rush, me who used to play pandeiro an hour with a metronome every single day!

Pandeiro always used to be so fun! It used to always cheer me up, and now it just depresses me. I am not sure why it has turned around like this. It's been so frustrating being stalled at this plateau; sinking backwards; been SO frustrating not being able to practice at all. (I can't make any noise where I've been living - can't even play cd's, or watch tv, and certainly can't play any instruments). I wonder sometimes why I keep pursuing it. Is it worth it?

Well, what makes it worth it for me? It's worth it only if I can play well. Create something beautiful. It's just not worth it otherwise. That is the way that I am.

well, let's see......caixa improved so much this year because I played it every day for months, concentrating ONLY on caixa, in tough groups that pushed me. Where can I find that with pandeiro? where can I find it with tamborim, and with timbal? I should pick one instrument, ONE, and really work on it the next three months, in Seattle. Take advantage of those dark rainy nights before the sunny summer comes. See how far I can push it. OK. I will do it. OK. I will work on pandeiro this spring. This'll be Pandeiro Spring. I'll get over this plateau. I'll find people to play with. I'll play every day. I'll find a place to practice. I'll crack out of this stupid oh-poor-me-and-my-poor-shitty-playing ridiculousness, and just punch right through and make it better. Make it SWING and CLEAN and MUSICAL and FREE, and I'll iron out that annoying rush... I will try my hardest...